As you might have heard, immigration is an issue in our country. As you also might be aware, this is a hotly debated political issue. To clarify, by “hotly debated” I mean the Hatfields and McCoys that we the people, in our infinite wisdom elected, know this is about power and will fight to the death over getting their way. Those with practical solutions and real world ideas need not apply. With that in mind I have come up with a solution that I think will please most people. To clarify, by “most people” I mean average, just trying to get by Americans. Elected officials and celebrities probably won’t appreciate it.
Here is my idea. I will convene a panel of five people that will be in charge of immigration for our country. I will choose two friends who lean left politically, and two friends who lean right politically. As someone who is without political affiliation, and who did not vote for either of the major party candidates in the last election, I will be the deciding voice in any disputes. That being said, I don’t see the committee of five having a difficult time coming to decisions.
Why wouldn’t there be disputes on such a hot-button issue? This is where the true genius of my plan comes into play. From this time forth, and until the committee decides otherwise, people will no longer immigrate. Instead of just letting people in the country all willy-nilly, from this point on immigration will be a trade. Say for example, there is a family of seven people in Syria who wants to flee their country’s leader who is trying to kill something with poison gas. The committee of five selects seven soon to be former Americans to take their place. Now, I have to be honest, at some point there will probably be friction on the committee, but I think we can work it out. Say my friends on the left have grown tired of Ted Cruz (something I think we can all relate to, even if you agree with him on a thing or two), my friends on the right can just say, “Fine, let’s ship Barbara Boxer out too.” Now I know you probably have some questions, so below is a quick FAQ that I hope helps.
Won’t this plan result in most of our elected officials being exported to other countries?
Good, the point of the plan was obvious. I was worried people might miss that.
Won’t the loss of people such as the entire (every single solitary one) of the Kardashian family adversely affect society and the arts?
Not in the least. I for one might tune into a Kardashian show for the first time if they were on the run from ISIS.
Couldn’t your committee of five be bribed to do the bidding of powerful rich people and companies like George Soros and the Koch family?
Maybe, but we aren’t making laws, and if that did happen it would mean that we were in essentially the same position we are now, but without the Kardashians, and most of our elected officials. I call that a win.
What happens if we have people we would like to trade, but there isn’t anyone who wants to immigrate to America?
First, with all of the people we are sending away pretty much every country on the planet is going to take a step down just by default. American will become the number one place to move so I don't see a shortage of quality people wanting to move here on the horizon. Second, we can always send someone to another country for an immigrant to be named later.
How will the people who are being sent away get to other countries?
When can the committee start its work?
Monday at 8 a.m.