How 1 Dad spent 60 minutes in a Grocery Store with 2 Small Children and Lived to Tell the Tale

July 10, 2017

I didn't realize it until I went to post this, but it has been a full week since my last post. Having 4 kids, particularly with one of them sick for a few days, is not for the faint of heart my friends.

 

Out of necessity yesterday was grocery shopping day. I suggested to

my lovely wife that I take a couple of kids to the grocery store. She told me I could take a couple, or I could just leave them all there with her and then when I got back she could go to the bedroom by herself while I took care of supper and bedtime. I took a couple of kids. What follows is a brief diary of the experience. Please, do not try this at home.

 

4 p.m. I leave the house with the Zoologist and the Ballerina headed for the grocery store. Immediately the dynamic duo are disappointed when they find out that I am not going to the grocery store with the small baskets that they can push. If you find out someday that I am having surgery on the Achilles tendon in one of my ankles there is a good be those carts and my children were involved.

 

4:06     We arrive at the store to find that they have one of the big carts with two seats in it. This is good news for me. “The more I can get the kids to sit in these seats the better off I’ll be,” I think to myself. Boy, was I wrong.

 

4:15     We haven’t even been at the store that long and I sound like I’m in charge of a ride at Disney World. “Please keep all hands, arms, legs, feet, and heads inside of the moving cart at all times.” The Zoologist doesn’t heed these warnings and as we are going down an aisle he very nearly whacks another shopper in the butt with his head.*

 

4:22     My continued exhortations to “Calm down” have fallen on deaf ears and now somehow the Ballerina has managed to headbutt her brother who is acting (read overacting) like he has just been shot. The last time a person whiplashed this badly Abraham Zapruder was filming.

 

4:29     In a “daddy has had it up to here moment” I may or may not have suggested that we just go home and have bread and water for every meal for a week. Of course, this is an empty threat because we have no bread at the house.

 

4:34     For probably the 5th time since we entered the store the Zoologist suggests we get something not on the list. He is quite the impulse spender with other people’s money. Makes me worry that he is considering a career in politics.

 

4:42     Tragedy of all tragedies I once again shot down the idea that we will also pick up a couple of new toys while we are here.

 

4:55     We pull up to the checkout lane. Both kids, to their credit, are dying to help put the groceries on the conveyor belt. They really are good little workers, although everything is helped because there is a conveyor belt involved. It doesn’t get much cooler than a conveyor belt.

 

4:56     The Ballerina decides to go into her super friendly mode and introduces herself and her brother to the cashier. In response the Zoologist grimaces with embarrassment. She then begins to help the cashier by grabbing items for her to scan and saying, “Here you go.” When we are through the cashier offers them each a sticker, but the Ballerina is very insistent that they also be given one for their little sister, the Demolitions Expert. The cashier looks at me and says, “Do they have a little sister?” I confirm her existence and then escort 1 basket of groceries, 2 kids, and 3 stickers out to the car.

Maybe it’s time to start shopping for groceries after bedtime.

 

 

*It is my considered opinion that this would have been the ultimate headbutt because it would have been a headbutt with someone’s head striking someone’s butt. It would have been a head to butt headbutt.

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